I have this personal philosophy: I never recommend a book I haven’t read from start to finish to someone else. Recently, I disobeyed myself!
Some random day, while going through my feed on YouTube, a video on a book titled, “How Not To Die Alone” pops up. The first question I ask myself is what about my searches makes this algorithm think I’m single and desperate? I was but still! It wasn’t nice for it to assume yk. Anyway, after watching a few videos on this book, granted they were by the author and not just fans, I was quick to recommend it to a bunch of my female friends and luckily, one read it.
A few months pass, and she comes to me raving about how she loved the book. She proceeds to go into various lessons from the book and it comes out I haven’t actually read the book. Gasp! Disappointed, she sends me the soft-copy (it’s my preference) and I get to it.
First Chapters.
Instantly hated it!!!
The book is fine, so don’t read into that too much. It’s just the first chapters of the book go over things that I already know. The tone as well, was a little bit too preachy for my liking. However, for a young generation that insists on being delulu…the tone is perfect. Just to paraphrase a famous line in the book, “There is no Prince Charming, go on a date with Gary.” Safe to assume Gary was friend-zoned. Regardless, many women come to this revelation way too late! She goes over how we go for exciting options that end up as flimsy situationship at best.
“Boring is best!” another famous catchphrase of hers.
There is a fantastic story in here of her college crush and how he ruthlessly taught her this lesson.
Myths she debunks.
The Spark.
Oh, my days! When I tell you this woman has a vendetta against the spark #chemistry…
She says that this … “excitement” can’t be used as a factor in deciding on a partner because first, it’s a fading feeling. When you meet someone, the butterflies in your stomach just won’t quit but as we should know by now, that never lasts. It’s just the novelty of it all. Second, she says that if you spend increasingly more time with people, they grow on you; and eventually, you’ll find yourself liking them more and more.
Shamelessly, I’ll admit I was a chemistry person. In 2020, it was one of the two things I looked at when picking someone. My green flag list and chemistry.
Three years later, I can say that that feeling can’t be the only thing that creates, makes or breaks a relationship but it is nice if it’s there at the start.
Looks
So, you meet someone. He is a 5, on a good day 5.6! After a week, you begrudgingly admit he has a nice voice though. 6.1. After a month, you realize from when he let out a belly laugh, that he has the most perfectly aligned teeth you have seen thus far. 6.6! Final score!
By the flow of the story, you can guess that wasn’t the final score.
Second dates
If anything, this book champions this. Always go on a second date with someone before calling it. The first romantic meeting with someone is always emotion-packed. They may, due to nervousness, have a queer personality than they normally would. They may talk too much or not enough or something else awkward. So, judging someone purely on the first date is irresponsible. Unless it’s really an extreme case. Consider the opposite as well, someone can fake perfection for one date, but the second time around, a slip-up or two is bound to happen.
etc.
There are more but I want to try and not make this a book exposition.
Things I really liked.
This book approaches its arguments from a statistical point of view. Reading it, you feel the opinions formed are as a consequence of the highlighted research. Not to mention her research was aided by Dan Ariely who wrote Predictably Irrational, a fantastic book on the weird psychology of people of which I loved every page.
The fun games and lists she uses in decision-making. All of which, are blank templates at the end of the book for us to use.
Virtually everyone that’s ever been in a relationship knows it needs effort to maintain. That has been a mainstream conversation for years now. Adding to that, this book goes into the effort of finding a relationship. You go to work/school, come back straight home, lock yourself inside and binge-watch whatever it is you’re into. Before you go to sleep you wish you had someone to sleep next to. Sounds familiar?
If you really feel like you are ready for a relationship, and it is the right time (you aren’t about to go through a big life change like moving out of the country etc.), you need to start actively working towards this goal. You’ve been waiting all this time, and nothing has happened, what will more waiting accomplish? Spiritually, we believe that relationships come to us at the opportune season. This is true. But, as Joyce Meyer says, “We work with God. He won’t do your part just like you are unable to do His part”.
She has a chapter or two on finding someone.
If you see something you like, go for it. At the expense of your ego and comforts, this book invites women to actively participate in the process of finding someone, rather than the usual waiting for him to come to you. If you approach a man and he is intimidated by that then you shouldn’t be with that caliber of man anyway.
An argument exists that the reason a guy can be with a woman much hotter than him is simple. Imagine if you had the task of finding someone for yourself. Wouldn’t you go for literally the best you can get? The advantage being the pool is infinite depending on how high you wanna shoot for. The other side of the coin is since most women choose from the guys who are pursuing them, they can only pick the best of the finite options available.
Finally, and my favourite, judge a relationship as a unit. You can be great, your partner can be great, but the two of you together can be horrible. The key is to be conscious of who you are when the other person is in the room.
If you like this story and would like to read this book, reach out on my Instagram and we can have a talk and I’ll share my copy.
Glen Wash (@_w.a.s.h.i.n.g.t.o.n) • Instagram photos and videos
