Why do our relationships keep failing? Why do we keep going from person to person until we are almost dull to the prospect of finding love? You ever know something but it’s always the last thing you think of in a practical sense? It’s like, when you think it can’t be something because then it’ll be too easy. It has to be something more complex. It just has to.
February, my friend mentioned, in a rather colorful conversation, a couple that spent the entirety of the duration of their courtship holding hands as their apex form of intimacy. She said it with admiration and I remember thinking to myself… the f**k is that? People have tried abstinence since the beginning of time and have failed at every step of the way. This current generation is the third that has come to terms with and, admittedly, even positively normalized that sin. Sex in relationships has become an expectation. Nay! An obligation. Why would you fight it?
“F**k is that?” That concept was so “insane” that I unintentionally found it interesting. Call it twisted luck. Must have been: judging off how much levels of introspection that was to follow. How much thought. How much conversation I was to have about it.
Now, with confidence, I can reveal their madness may be in fact have been strokes of genius. We are all doing it wrong and they were doing it right. Sex could be among the chief catalysts to relationship demise. Though, a complex ideology because of the many parameters that go into that summary.
To begin with, sex in itself, is not evil or bad or immoral, etc. It is the epitome of expression of love and makes a couple feel as bonded as you can physically and emotionally get. That is, to those who aren’t (sorry for being candid) whoring themselves by sleeping with people who they have no feelings for. I know many will attest to this: If you sleep with someone you don’t love your relationship/friendship starts to suck from that point onwards. It gets awkward and you like them less. The conversations are never the same and their primary function consequently becomes to satisfy urges. Those who have had, on top of that, the contrary experience, will also confess that sex between two people who are deeply in love is an enriching experience. No expectations. No performance. No fear of judgment or comparison. Just love and submissiveness. Plus, the added benefit of knowing you’ll get the chance to do it again is the assurance that removes all that pressure.
Sadly, in the history of mankind, the opportunity to transform something inherently good and use it to the destruction of others and inevitably our own is among the opportunities most capitalized upon.
We, whether aware or not, oversexualize relationships. The ominous thing about it is really; the inevitability. Once you start having sex it irresistibly becomes a part of your life. Quick test of hypothesis. Ask anyone when was the last time they had sex or with whom, where, or when they lost their virginity. They all know. It is something we all know. Issues sexuality are center-stage in our thoughts. If this is just a random person, imagine how much more it dwells in the minds of people who are dating?
This way of life is no surprise once you understand the enormous power of sex over human beings. It has on many occasions been phrased as fire that cannot be contained except by a single vessel. Pin that word vessel. Sex is powerful. We just love it so damn much. Which, surprisingly, we have admitted to having known for eons. The French in the 16th century described orgasm as la petit mort. That translates to little death. Further down that rabbit hole or rather I should say higher up the rabbit hole. Much…much higher. The Father in Heaven.
Remember when we said vessel. That vessel is marriage. God, in His abundance of wisdom, knew sex and its hold on us and thus instituted marriage as one way to control sex. Sex before marriage was also said a sin. The book of 1 Corinthians 7:9 says, “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry than to burn with passion”. Why does sex which is a sin stop becoming a sin just because you have a piece of paper? Well, marriage is not a paper to God. Marriage to Him is final. In fact, listen to the next verse,” To the married, I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. A husband must not divorce his wife.” Pretty serious I know right? But we do say till death do us part, don’t we? The third party, unfortunately, in that covenant is God.
Okay, let’s get to some flawed human reasoning why sex in marriage is suddenly cool.
It is just between two people and that’s it. No more bodies. Sex is supposed to be, as marriage, a union that does not end. Breakups with people whom you loved and had sex with are usually grueling. A part of you feels like it’s gone. Maybe, that is not a total euphemism. Maybe, people you have sex with you aren’t meant to break up with. And that part of you that’s gone, it’s gone with them.
Another reason could be that sex can’t consume a marriage relationship. I mean, one person for all of eternity? Things are bound to slow down eventually. Kids come in and other responsibilities so it just can’t be monsoon season non-stop. But now! Dating! That is not the case.
In rom-coms, certain couples are always getting caught shagging in inappropriate places. And, it’s always seemingly the best way to end a scene on a couple. They fall into that puffy bed as everything fades to black. That’s dating for you. Or how it’s become.
When you introduce sex in a relationship it slowly but surely takes over the relationship. Just be honest, and realize how, consecutively, it’s become the first thing you do once you meet up with your boo. Venues are always picked to be conducive enough to make out. Texting becomes sexting. And this one is a stage four symptom, when you meet you cannot have a fifteen-minute conversation without having sex first.
Face it. The reality of relationships is that they have become hookups. We have induced an inability to have intimacy without sex. This is a hard truth. It needs a minute.
Okay, minute over. We need to restore the friendship in our dating! The Tupac and Jada vibe.
When was the last time you and your partner just went out on a walk and held hands? Last date outside? Huh? Just Netflix and chilling?
Look, we desperately need to go back to how dating was where just spending time with each other was enough. Learning each other’s dreams and fears. Growing together. Nowadays, if a girl is on her period these bros send her packing! What are you coming to see me for?!
But, I think we silently have started to acknowledge that this is, was, and will be a problem in relationships. We made the term” dick-matized”. Many more funny quips about staying in a relationship just cause of the sex are propping up by the day. Having said all that, the question becomes in a hyper-sexualized society can we ostracize sex from our relationships? Yes. It is possible. It will be difficult. It will make the relationship more meaningful and you will discover the person you are with. It will also end most relationships as there isn’t much else left to offer. Maybe you’ll see the red flags that d**ks and WAPs are making you blind to. The how to remove sex from the relationship, at least for a period, is specifics for the two to discover. Bet the hand-holding couple doesn’t sound so stupid after all.
Some day people should reading and writing me comments on these , cmon
